


What Matters

by YumeArashi



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-25 20:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeArashi/pseuds/YumeArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sequel to "Making It Work." Some types of healing happen faster than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Matters

They say that you don’t know what you have until you lose it.  I have to say, that’s generally been true in my life.  Particularly as it pertains to one Duo Maxwell.

No, I didn’t lose him, though I thought I had.  I was lucky that way.  I found him in a hole-in-the-wall slum on L2, living...no, I won’t say living.  He was existing, that’s all.  Abandoned both by Lady Luck and by his friend and partner, Hilde, he was barely keeping body and soul together.  It still hurts me to remember the look in his eyes when I found him, starving, hopeless, and soon to be homeless.

“Hey, buddy, whatcha doin’?”

I jump out of my skin.  Almost four years after the wars, and he can still move as silently as a hunting cat.  I turn and glare mutely at him, and he grins innocently back.  Though I’d never tell him so (he’s enough of a handful as it is), I’m glad that he can be cheerful and carefree like this.  Seeing his eyes shining with laughter and life is the only thing that can ease the memory of what he was when I found him. 

It’s been a little over six months since I brought him back from L2.  He astonished everyone with the speed of his recovery - well, almost everyone.  Duo’s nothing if not a survivor.  I’d have been more surprised if he hadn’t made a rapid improvement.

He’s wandering off to his room, so I guess the glare is still effective.  He’s fresh out of the shower, a towel still wrapped around his waist, and I allow myself to run a critical eye over his body, noting with satisfaction the healthy skin and solid flesh beneath.  Factually, I know that he has fully recovered, but I like seeing the proof of it.

Not surprising, since I still have nightmares about him.  In my dreams, I’m always too late, finding him dead or dying in the gutters of L2, or what may be worse, not  finding him at all, no matter how many years I spend searching.  Sometimes I dream of his ghost coming to me with angry eyes, accusing me of betraying him, of abandoning him like Hilde did.  I can’t even defend myself from the accusations because they’re true, even in my waking hours.  I’ll never forgive myself the two years it took me to find him; years that he wouldn’t have had to suffer if I’d been quicker.

Such nights always end with me curled up around him, reassuring myself that he’s real, healthy and alive.  Sometimes he’s awake and comes to snap me out of my dreams; other times I wake on my own and go to check on him.  He lets me hold him, tells me that I didn’t betray him, that those two years weren’t my fault.  Maybe one day I’ll understand how he can forgive me for what I can’t forgive myself.

He emerges from his room, fully dressed this time, and sits down at his computer.

“Working on the Fetzmann case?”

Duo nods and flashes me a grin.  “Just doing wrap-up, really.  By the end of today I’ll be sending the full report to Une.  Ninmu kanryou!”  He winks at me, and I nod approvingly, smiling a little. 

Far more difficult to fix than his physical problems was the damage to his self-confidence.  Seeing his business and his life fall apart would have been hard enough, but a few choice words from Hilde, spoken in unthinking anger, had cut him to the core of his being, and for a long time I’d been afraid he’d never recover.  There are still times when he doubts himself, when he’s afraid that things will slip away from him again.  At such times I hold him and remind him that I’ll be here for him, no matter what happens, that I won’t let him fall. 

It’s happening less often these days, and though I couldn’t be happier that he’s recovering mentally as well as physically, I wonder how I’ll feel on the day when he doesn’t need me anymore.  Bodies may heal more quickly than hearts or souls, but though he’ll probably always have scars, it won’t be long before he no longer needs my support, my reassurance.  Will he move out, when that happens?  Does he only keep me near because he needs to feel I won’t desert him? 

As often as I tell myself he wouldn’t do a thing like that, the thought never fails to chill me.  You see, I need him just as much as he’s ever needed me.  I can’t say when it started.  Maybe it was as long ago as that first unanswered phone call.  Maybe it was when those pain-killed violet eyes lit up when he saw me on L2.  It could have been the realization that I had his complete and total trust, seeing him lie quietly in my arms.  It could have been the long weeks caring for him, watching health and strength return to him.  It could have been seeing joy reborn in his eyes.

Maybe it’s true that I never knew what I had until I thought I’d lost it.

Maybe it doesn’t even matter when it was.

What matters is that I love Duo.

I can’t tell him, of course.  He has enough to do trying to stabilize his own emotions without having to deal with mine too.  For now, I’ll just be here for him as a friend, and whatever happens happens.

*****

I slide the tape into the VCR and settle onto the couch.  The movie is one that we’ve both seen before, but at the rental place Duo had turned his infamous puppy eyes on me, and I’d had it in my hand before I even knew I’d said yes.  I don’t think there’s anyone on the Earth or the colonies that could possibly resist the full force of Duo’s pleading.  It amazes me how much happiness he finds in something as simple as being allowed to rent the video of his choice, and to see that light in his eyes, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.

“Yay!”  He bounces into the room, carrying a bowl of popcorn, and starts singing along to the theme.  Which would be amusing enough, even if the movie in question weren’t ‘Ruthless People’.  I can’t help but laugh.  He gives me a wide grin and flops on the sofa.

About halfway through the movie I feel him snuggle against me, and I put an arm around him and draw him close.  He sighs happily and relaxes against me.  It’s no uncommon thing; in fact, I can’t recall the last time we watched a movie and didn’t end up curled together.  But his affection no longer has that slightly clingy edge that was present six months ago.  He’s comfortable with himself and with me.

I run a hand lightly down his back, feeling him purr in contentment.  It surprises me how well we fit together.  He’s just enough shorter than me to nuzzle into the hollow of my shoulder while I rest my cheek against his soft hair.  It’s not just a physical thing, though.  Being with him, whether it’s for cuddling, goofing off, even working together...it just feels right, somehow.  I sigh softly, the little logical part of my mind taunting me that I’ve got it bad.

Duo feels the sigh and looks up at me, violet eyes gently concerned.  He has such beautiful eyes, wonderfully expressive and deep enough to drown in.  I smile at him, just enough to let him know things are fine, and he returns the smile, giving me a slight hug before turning his attention back to the movie.  As he turns away, I allow my smile to become slightly rueful.  ‘Got it bad’ doesn’t begin to describe it.

No sooner has the movie ended than he’s poking me in the ribs.  “Ne, Hee-chan...”

I grunt.  “Quit poking me or I’ll tickle you.  And don’t call me Hee-chan.”

He laughs.  “You’ll have to catch me before you can tickle me!” 

I groan.  Chasing him around the apartment while I’m full of popcorn sounds extremely unappealing. 

More poking.

I flip over, pinning him beneath me.  He squeaks in surprise and tries to squirm out from under me, begging me not to tickle him.

“Oh, no you don’t.  You had fair warning.”  He shrieks and giggles, wriggling madly.  I continue the torture for a few moments more, then have mercy.  I switch positions with him, letting him drape over me, still laughing softly.  I pull him close, not wanting him to see how much it hurts me at times like this, to have him held close in my arms, but far from my heart.  I try to be grateful for what I have, but sometimes I wonder if it’d be less painful to not be near him at all.

He lets me hold him for a few moments, then he pushes himself up.  “Seriously, Heero, what’s bothering you?”

“What makes you think something bothering me?”  While I have no particular objection to lying in general, I don’t like lying to him unless there’s a really good reason for it.  Evasion has become a common tactic; not that it helps much in dealing with Duo.  He can be singularly relentless when he chooses.

Now is apparently one of those times; he’s giving me his ‘what kind of an idiot do you think I am?’ look.  I shrug and look away.  I don’t want to meet his eyes.  He’s far too perceptive, and I’m afraid of what he might see.

“Heero, please look at me?”  The request is as soft as the hand gently cupping my cheek, and I close my eyes against the force of his words.  “...please?”  I’m lost.  I’ve never been able to deny him anything he truly wants.  It’s almost painful meeting his gaze, feeling every facet of myself exposed.  I’ve never felt so horribly vulnerable, but Duo  deserves nothing less than my total honesty.  He’s never given me anything less himself.

Thoughtful violet studies me for a few minutes, and I could swear by the time he’s done he knows me better than I know myself.  But he doesn’t say anything, just gives a sweet and quietly bright smile and snuggles back against me.  I want to ask what he saw, but I’m afraid to break the peaceful silence.  Whatever it was, he’s not about to leave me over it, so I’ll be content for now.

*****

Duo’s a little quieter than normal over the next couple of days, but it seems more of a thoughtful silence than an indication of something wrong.  When he notices me looking worriedly at him, he just smiles at me, a warm and genuine smile.  His eyes, too, are clear of any sign of worry or unhappiness.  In fact, if it weren’t for his unaccustomed quietude, I’d say he were completely content.  Not only is he happy, but there’s a tranquility in him that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen.

So it’s something of a surprise to find him perched on my bed a few nights later when I retire for the evening.  He greets me with a smile and the announcement that he’s in the mood for a snuggle.  He’s been doing this more and more often lately; rather than seeking me out when he’s upset, he’ll just steal a cuddle at any random time.  I always let him.  As nice as it is to feel needed, it’s nicer to think he might stay even if he didn’t need me.  And I’ve decided that cuddling is never a bad thing.

I’m about to turn out the bedside light when his voice stops me.

“Ne, Heero, actually I wanted to talk...”  I roll back over to face him and he draws back enough to give us space enough to talk, our arms still lightly wrapped around each other’s waists.  He looks faintly nervous, but otherwise at ease, so I wait expectantly.  He takes a moment to gather his courage, then says the last four words I ever thought I’d hear him say.

“Heero..I love you.”

I blink, completely dumbfounded.  He can’t mean that, it’s too soon, this can’t be real.  I choose my words carefully.

“Duo, you shouldn’t be committing yourself to something like that just yet.  I understand that you feel deeply for me, but you’re still healing emotionally, and I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything, much less...”

He interrupts me angrily.  “Heero, cut the crap.  I know I was pretty fucked up, and I know I’m not completely over it, but I’m not such a weakling as to say something like that when I don’t mean it.  This isn’t gratitude, it’s not indebtedness, it’s love, okay?  If you can’t feel that way about me, fine, I can accept that, but don’t give me some bullshit about how I don’t know what I’m talking about!  If you think I didn’t give this any thought before deciding to tell you, you’re wrong, dead wrong.”  I open my mouth to protest but he’s having none of it.  “You think I just fell for you because you pulled me outta that shithole?  Well, I’ve got news for you -- I’ve been in love with you for years.” 

My jaw has to be somewhere on the floor.  His anger fades, and he reaches out a finger to push my mouth closed, looking faintly amused.  I sputter for a moment before I’m able to find my voice.  “Years?  Are you serious?”

He nods.  “Oh, during the war it was more of a crush than anything, I’ll admit.  I think it started to become more than that after the war, when I was helping you learn how to just be a regular guy.  And then when you found me...yeah, there was a lot of emotional chaos going on there, but you’d changed a lot.  You were open, caring...remember when I said I liked the new you?  I did.  I still do.  I don’t think I owe you because you cared enough to come track me down, but it means a lot to me that you did.”  His face darkens a little, anger threatening to return.  “And don’t you dare say that just because no one ever cared that much about me that I’m some emotional cripple willing to fall for the first person who shows affection for me.  I’m not a child, Heero.  I’ve given this a lot of thought.  It’s because I wasn’t so stable at first that I waited this long to say anything.  I wanted to be sure my feelings were genuine, that I loved you for who you are and not what you’d done.  I may not be one hundred percent, but who is?  I’ve healed enough to know what I’m talking about, and I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t mean it.  So I’ll say it again, and this time you’re going to listen.  Heero, I love you.”

I know I should say something, really, but the sudden rush of emotion has left me utterly breathless.  I raise a hand to his cheek, faintly surprised to notice that it’s trembling.  He looks slightly worried.

“Heero?”

That single soft word is all it takes, and suddenly I’m holding him tightly, kissing him, telling him that I love him, that I’ve loved him for so long, that I’ve been so afraid of losing him, that I’ve wanted to tell him and couldn’t, that I didn’t think he’d ever feel the same.

When the storm has subsided somewhat, I pull away a little.  He’s wearing the brightest smile I’ve ever seen, and his violet eyes, always beautiful, are radiant with joy and love.  Why he would love me, when he could obviously have anyone on Earth or in the colonies, I’ll probably never understand.  But as he pulls me close again, whispering words of love, I realize that it doesn’t matter. 

He is mine and I am his, and that is all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to all the people who wanted me to write it ^_^


End file.
